God I miss SWG.  It is funny how something that wasn’t based at all in the real world could have such a profound effect on me.  It brought me happiness, comradery ; in a very twisted way there was a sense of belonging.  There has only been one other place in my life that made me feel good about being the weird fool that I am.

I lived in this small town that was very pretentious.  On the surface it looked the very picturesque meaning of quaint.  An outsider standing in the middle of the downtown area could easily believe that this was a place that could feel like home.  Every one was part of your extended family.  A place of peace and acceptance.  A place that made you feel like you had a big fluffy blanket wrapped around while you were sipping hot cocoa on a cold stormy late Autumn evening.  Of course that was what they wanted outsiders to think.  It was a tourist trap.  But as soon as the tourists went home from their little mini vacation a completely different atmosphere appeared.  And the true town’s personality emerged.  The people were not so well adjusted, nor excepting.  I always saw the town as a form of Broadway stage during tourist season.  When the lights went down and everybody went home – the makeup and costumes came off.

Then late at night the circus freaks emerged. Mostly during their beloved Halloween season.  October was their time to show their true form and come out and play.  The city officials and those who ran the town hated them.  Hated their existence.  They thought it was a blight on their perfect little town.  This little group of circus freaks were twistedly talented volunteers of the local haunted school house.  And I was one of them.  A proud member in fact.  I cherished my part in smearing the towns perfect little exterior.  All of us at the haunted house did, I think.  The town wanted to hide it’s imperfections.  Shoving them in the basements under lock and key.  October was the only time we could escape and show our deformed faces and non compliant revolutions.  It was mostly innocent of course.  We never really did any visual damage.  We were hooligans but we were not criminals.  This was my first true realization of home.  My first place of refuge.  Empowering, we were all royalty there.  Not the vagabonds the town branded us as.  Plus there still is nothing like scaring the pants off a guy twice my size.

I then lost it.  You can’t stay in one place forever though.  You must move forward on your path wherever it may take you.

I didn’t find another home until a few years later.  And oddly enough it took its form as a MMORPG.  It’s insane but in a lot of ways it filled the gap in my life that the haunted house made when I departed from it.  Once again I was able to be a more projected version of the things I wanted to be and liked in myself.  I put on the skin of a Twi’lek and played my grandest role yet.  That of a little blue Tyrenanian Twi named Xie ‘lanthia.  In actuality I found it terribly easier to be comfortable with being me under the guise of lighthearted silliness of a cantina than those of your everyday “real life” scenarios.  With SWG I found true social happiness.

The truth be, I am a bit of a social reject.  A self proclaimed hermit.  Even my husband scorns my antisocial tendencies at times.  He has dubbed me socially challenged and he is most definitely correct in his view of me.  In some ways it is something that is beyond my control but mostly I find contentment and even a bit of honor at being a mob of one.  It fits me.  I do love socializing with people once you get through the BS but unfortunately I found that a large majority of people are entirely made up of BS.  I actually should rephrase that.  I hate people.  I love persons.  The easiest way to get rid of me is to play at one of the mindless drones.  It does it every time.

By now as you can guess, SWG is gone for me also.  The truth being the game changed way to much and that caused a different type of people to become attracted to the game.  Sadly, it also chased away the type of “persons” that helped make me fall in love with SWG, so eventually I left also.  WoW, EQII, and all the other MMOs fall tragically short of the splendid social sandbox that was once SWG.  So, in a moment of weakness I very seriously think about renewing my subscription to SWG, even though I know full and well that the fix I am longing for I will never get again there.

So many precious moments in my past.  Friends have come and gone over the years but there is a few where moments burn brightly because of the intense pain and happiness that surrounds them.   I covet them close to my heart.  At least I will always have my memories.

I never was one for a mass display of intoxicated gluttony.  It is true though that I have been involved in my fair share of them.  One of them was a SciFi-Fantasy convention my friends affectionately dubbed the annual drunkin’ orgy fest.  I took part in the drunkin’ portion of the fest for four years in a row.  Two of those pivoting moments, where joy and pain became one happened here.  This is the reason they are so beautifully precious to me.

The fucking worst thing about remembering these moments is that in part because of them, I realize that I have shut out, closed down any possibility for any future memories to be made and cherished.  I have built up a wall around me preventing anyone from touching me, connecting with me.  This is my own personal purgatory and I lay in the bed that I have made.